if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Just invented taco cereal.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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