Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Randomize
