He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Randomize
