I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
