I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
