Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
