I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
