so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Randomize
