Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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