After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Randomize
