Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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