drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Randomize
