A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Randomize
