Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
