So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Sorry about my life...
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
