Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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