Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
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