Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
