I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
