Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
