you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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