oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
