Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
