Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
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