i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
