maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Randomize
