my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
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