ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
