Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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