well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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