when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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