I met the friendliest cop last night
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
