ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
