how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize