Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
