Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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