I can't watch pbs sober anymore
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
