My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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