Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
