Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
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my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
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New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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