So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
