i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.