I smell stomach acid.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
