Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Randomize
