I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
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