He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
