I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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