he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
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How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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