i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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