I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize
