I wanna passion pit in your ass
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
