I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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