he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
