So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
