the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
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All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
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First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize