I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
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I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
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I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
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