I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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