I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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