I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
